The Warm-Up Rounds
By Canadian Lou

With several successful preliminary fights, the anticipation for the next card was reaching nearly epic proportions. Several benefactors suggested a return to the Catfightmania concept, in which a series of blockbuster matches would occur on one night. The promoters were intrigued by the notion, but the thought of doing a whole event and giving away several main events just lacked the appeal.

The next notion was to bring back Survival of the Weakest, a popular yet cruel tournament in which the losers were forced to advance until there was just one poor, beaten girl left to wallow in her own humiliation. This idea was also unappealing as it nearly killed the box office viability of Megan Fox.

Several big matches were on the table for the next event, each with a compelling case to headline. First there was the anticipated showdown between Katy Perry and Katherine Heigl. Heigl assaulted Perry during her last match against Hayden Panettiere, and people had been buzzing about it ever since. The promoters knew it would be a major draw, but with Katy still considered inexperienced, the idea of putting her in there with a championship-caliber talent like Heigl would be a suicide mission.

The next major match would be a long anticipated bout between Megan Fox and Olivia Wilde. Both girls had been gunning for one another to stake a claim as the next Angelina Jolie, but after somewhat disappointing turns in the Survival of the Weakest Tournament, their shots at the top stalled. A match between the two would certainly be a physical affair, but would need sufficient time to build.

Finally, there was the long-awaited championship match between Angelina Jolie and Charlize Theron. These two titans of the industry would be sure to headline any event, but busy schedules and a fear of a letdown has kept them apart for a while.

The ultimate decision was to put on a night of exhibition matches in which several top names would be able to stake their claims to the top slot by their in-ring performances. Each girl would be put against a lesser opponent and get a chance to demonstrate why she deserved the higher paying slot.

First, Katherine Heigl would face off against Anne Hathaway. Anne had her first match several months ago against Katy Perry, an outing that ended in complete disaster. Ms. Hathaway had trained for months with fight coaches, however after a dustup, she summarily dismissed them. Those coaches in turn revealed her fighting strategies to Perry’s camp, and Katy used the notes as a “How to” guide and destroyed Anne. In the end, the proud Hathaway was stripped naked and used as a sexual plaything by the cruel singer, making many wonder if Anne would ever compete again. Hathaway, to her credit, rebounded from the humiliating loss and focused her energy on a new trainer. Unfortunately for her, her first draw was against the potentially unstoppable Katherine Heigl.

Next, Olive Wilde drew Rachel Bilson. Wilde had become a much bigger star since her Survival of the Weakest outing, so the chance for her to shine here would be a boon for both Olivia and the promoters. And while the drawing of names was “random”, the fact that she was matched against the cute but hapless Bilson, her former OC costar, could not have been a coincidence.

Wilde’s future opponent, Megan Fox, was given a shot at redemption as she was paired off against her Survival of the Weakest opponent Kaley Cuoco. Cuoco took advantage of Fox’s mistakes, both technical and sexual, and scored what many felt was a tournament upset. Megan sees this as a chance to prove that Kaley’s win was a fluke, while Cuoco hopes to show that she is a legitimate contender.

Reigning champion Charlize Theron drew the oldest opponent in the field, Jennifer Aniston. The journeywoman Aniston has managed to remain relevant despite her advancing age and in-ring shortcomings by remaining both a tabloid fixture and through “Friends” airing on syndication. Most predict that Jen shouldn’t be much trouble for Theron, though it will be interesting to see how this plays out based on the fact that Theron’s future opponent is Jennifer’s nemesis, Angelina Jolie.

Finally, there’s Katy Perry’s match with Miley Cyrus. Miley had been lobbying for months at a shot in the ring, claiming that she had been training with some of the top names in the industry. With Katy being none too pleased about how she was assaulted and humiliated by Katherine Heigl, that pent up aggression might be taken out on the young singer.