Celebrity Wrestling

Night 5, Match 1

As we come to the first week's conclusion, we're starting to see some trends with the standings. Also, the wear and tear is starting to show on some of the women. Originally, the consensus picks as the top tier of the tournament were Jessica Alba, Jessica Biel, Jessica Simpson, Shannon Elizabeth and Brittney Spears. After the first two matches have been completed, though, you'd have to count Victoria Silvestedt, Kelly Monaco and Susan Ward among the contenders for the title. The standings after all of the ladies have completed two matches are as follows:

Name W L points

1. Kelly Monaco 2 0 30

1. Victoria Silvestedt 2 0 30

1. Jessica Alba 2 0 30

4. Jessica Biel 2 0 22

4. Susan Ward 2 0 22

6. Kristanna Loken 1 1 17

7. Eliza Dushku 1 1 16

8. Jessica Simpson 1 1 15

8. Josie Maran 1 1 15

10. Jennifer Garner 1 1 14

11. Brittney Spears 1 1 13

12. Sarah Foster 1 1 12

13. Kim Smith 1 1 10

14. Shannon Elizabeth 1 1 8

15. Ali Larter 1 1 5

16. Christina Aguilera 0 2 2

17. Kelly Carlson 0 2 0

17. Brooke Burns 0 2 0

17. Elisha Cuthbert 0 2 0

17. Rachel Bilson 0 2 0

As you can see, three wrestlers remain perfect (scoring 15 points per match) and four are still looking for points. In between, there's a veritable toss-up as to who's hot and who's not. There are some good wrestlers who took second-round beatings and some surprise wrestlers who took advantage of what may have been mismatched situations. Also, the teams for this weekend's tag-team tournament have had time to get used to each other. We've seen some of them coming out to support their partner even on nights where only one has a match. Speaking of the tag-team tournament, there have been some rules announced that may make a difference in how the wrestlers work their strategies. First, the women have to alternate starting the matches. Whichever wrestler starts match one, the other will have to start match two. In the championship, the opposing team will choose who starts. Also, after a tag, the wrestler who tagged to get out will have 30 seconds to vacate the ring. During those 30 seconds, the team can double up on their opponent. After a double-team, though, the wrestler who stays in the ring must do so for at least a full minute (after the double-team) prior to tagging back out. This way, one team cannot just trap an opponent and double-team them to death. There will be a time-keeper present that will inform the ref when another tag is available to a team that used their double-team time. And one last thing; the winner of this event has been challenged to a match the following Saturday by the team of Jennifer Gareis and Nikki Ziering. All of the tag teams have consented, so this will be the main event in next Saturday's “extra credit” card. The other matches will pit the Tournament wrestlers against those who are not in the Tournament. The card for the evening:

Jennifer Gareis v ?

Brittany Daniel v ?

Brooke Burke v ?

Nikki Ziering v ?

Kate Bosworth v ?

Jennifer Ellison v ?

Ali Landry v ?

Cheryl Tweedy v ?

Carmen Electra v ?

Pam Anderson v ?

Ziering/Gareis v winner of this week's tag-team tournament

The first ten wrestlers to enter will have their names drawn to choose their opponent. These will not be “tournament rules” matches. They will be best 2 of 3 falls and wins can come by pin, submission or DQ. Submissions have to be accepted by the submitter's opponent. All three falls will be held, regardless of the outcome of the first two. Each tournament wrestler will receive 3 points for entering and 5 for each fall victory (potentially 18 points).

Now, on to our first match of the evening. Tonight's line up has some interesting match-ups with two 30-point wrestlers stepping into the ring to face each other and a match-up of two contenders needing to rebound from second-round losses. Alas, this first match is neither of those. To get things started, we have Rachel Bilson facing off against Jessica Alba. Stranger thing have happened, but don't look for this match to be very competitive. Alba relaxes in her corner as we await the start of the match, wearing a red one-piece (very much like a “Baywatch” swimsuit) and white wrestling boots. The 5'2 Rachel Bilson (giving up 5 inches in height to her opponent) stretches in her corner. She's wearing all green (boots, bikini shorts and sports bra). Bilson, thus far, has shown little interest in adjusting to the violent nature of the tournament.

The match is started and both wrestlers stride to the center of the ring. As they get there, Alba quickly scoops Rachel up and slams her hard to the mat. Bilson rolls to alleviate the pain in her back, but Jessica stomps down on her ribs. As Rachel completes her roll to her belly, Alba continues the stomps, now focusing on Rachel's back. Each stomp bounces Rachel off the mat. She tries to get to her knees and crawl away, but Jessica is relentless, stomping her 12, 14, now 20 times. Rachel, having not resisted the last 4 or 5 stomps, gets a reprieve as Jessica halts the assault. She reaches down, though, and lifts Rachel again. This time, she slams her across an outstretched knee in a terrible back-breaker. Rachel moans in pain as Alba holds her over the knee and grabs her throat and thigh, bending her painfully back. Rachel moans a submission and Jessica releases her from the hold, dropping her to the mat.

At the restart, Jessica approaches her hapless opponent. She's been working the crowd during the break, waving and blowing kisses and continues to do so as she bends Rachel's legs back. Rachel is lying on her stomach, now, with her legs folded back and feet touching her soft, round ass. Jessica sits on her legs, reaches for Rachel's hair and yanks her torso off the mat. She continues to wave and blow kisses to the crowd as Rachel screams a second submission. Alba again plays to the crowd during the break, showing off some of her dance moves from Sin City, drawing a thunderous roar. She dances straight over to Rachel as the match is restarted. Rachel hasn't moved. Alba grabs a handful of hair and forces Bilson to her feet. As she does, Rachel fires her right fist into Jessica's gut. Alba, though unprepared for the blow, doesn't seem fazed as she lifts Rachel into a bear hug, literally squeezing the life from her. “If you took this as seriously as I do, Rachel, your punch would be considerably better and your abs would be able to take it, like mine can. I don't understand why you even show up for your matches.”

As Jessica scolds her enemy, Rachel offers a third submission. Jessica drops her to the mat and, again, dances for the crowd. She steps over to Rachel's prone form and poses, placing her foot on Rachel's back and flexing her sexy legs. At the restart, she forces Rachel up again. This time, she traps Bilson's head between her powerful legs. The crowd is really worked up now, watching their favorite move. Alba holds the pose, letting the crowd get their fill. To excite them further, she slaps her helpless foe's ass a couple of times. Getting no reaction from Rachel, Alba quickly jerks her up into an over-the-shoulder backbreaker. The crowd roars its approval as Jessica leaps into the air, snapping Bilson's back even more. Rachel's fourth submission can barely be heard over the din, but Alba does hear and immediately releases Rachel from the torturous hold. Though Jessica isn't pumping them up any more, the crowd is still frenzied. Obviously they love watching one beautiful woman completely dominate another.

At the restart, Jessica forces Rachel to her feet again. This time, she whips her into the corner. Rachel's beaten body slams hard into the buckles and she starts to slide back to the mat. Jessica stops her, though, and places her arms over the top ropes, holding her up. “This is what I was talking about, Rachel. This is how it feels when a fit wrestler delivers a punch to the belly.” As she talks, Jessica drives fist after fist into Bilson's unprotected belly. The ref tells her to get the action out of the corner and after about 8 shots, Jessica obliges. She drags Rachel out of the corner by her hair, again playing to the crowd. She lifts Rachel up, laying her back across Jessica's shoulders and trapping her in a torture rack hold. Jessica really forces the head and legs of her lifeless foe down, cranking up the pain in her back. Rachel again submits, making it 5 for the match. Jessica drops her and stands over Rachel, waiting for the restart.

Once it comes, Jessica drags her to her feet again. Once more, she slides Rachel's head between her legs, again allowing the crowd to get a good look. After the pause, she lifts Rachel into a seated position on her shoulders. Again she pauses, allowing the crowd to marvel at the sight of Alba's face buried in Bilson's crotch. Then, Alba slams her to the mat with a suddenness that takes all the air from Rachel. Jessica pins her foe and the ref counts her out with no protest. Jessica waves and bows to the crowd as they continue their crazed appreciation of her dominance. She returns to a moaning Rachel and gets her back to her feet. “Hey, you either need to start taking this seriously or just stop. I'll help you if you want to get in shape and at least try to defend yourself, but you can't keep coming out here like this. Some one is really going to lay a hurting on you if you don't do something about this.” With that, Jessica helps her prey out of the ring and back to the dressing rooms.